A User's Guide to the Rosebride
by blissfully ignorant
Summary: i wrote this ages ago.....a pathetic attempt at humor--utena writes a short bit about anthy's idosyncrasies.


Snails in the Pencil Box:  
A Strategy Guide to Possession of the Rose Bride  
  
By Utena Tenjou  
  
Foreword: Concerning Anthy.  
  
So you've finally done it.  
  
You've managed to get yourself into possession of the Rose Bride. You have the Sword of Dios, the Power of Dios, Miracles, Shining Things, blah blah blah. Chances are, you're holding this book due to the sheer mercy of one or all of the student council members who want you to know what you're getting into. Whether a mysterious entity has mailed you the Rose Seal or you got it from a long-forgotten Prince, congratulations on winning the duel.  
  
You now may be wondering: Now what? So just what the hell do you do with a Rose Bride? You could either get some really bad advice from an embittered Saonji or you could keep reading this book and be spared of this fate.  
  
As a former Champion of Duels, I understand your confusion, and let me tell you, Anthy Himemiya can be quite.exasperating. She has a few unusual habits, and if some of these don't agree with you I would suggest you return this book unread and simply loose your next duel on purpose. (this is a feat in itself, especially if you duel Saonji because he'll play terrible mind games with your pride.)  
  
She has soft spot for creatures. As the title suggests, she keeps snails in her pencil box and her pet mongoose lives in her bottom desk drawer. She is oblivious to the fact that Chu-Chu, the tiny purple mouse-monkey, is eating her out of house and home, and if she notices she doesn't care. As for food, well, she's not a bad cook and always insists on doing the cooking herself, but don't EVER let her make you curry, or you may just end up captive in her body. If you don't believe me, well, woes betide you. Her queer habits don't end with her-she has a really horny and kinda sexy brother named Akio and.well.it's all rather indecent, shall I say.  
  
If you can learn to live with these flaws, and others, go for it. if not, well, I would advise you to throw away your Rose Seal before you hurt yourself.  
  
Snafu One: YOU'RE IN HER BODY  
  
If you've ignored my earlier advice and shared curry with her anyway, or if in your excitement skipped the Foreword, or you just want to know in case, here's what worked for us. It of course involved more of her explosive curry. All we did was convince Saonji to eat some of Anthy's deliciously spicy curry, and we got Chu-Chu to eat out of the same bowl. (Thank Dios for Saonji's obsession and Anthy's pet bottomless pit!) As for getting them back to normal, well, you're on your own. Be quick, however, because people will notice if the vice president of the student council and captain of the Kendo dueling team starts living in trees and eating everything in sight. Also, it would really suck if your roommate's pet assassinated you.  
  
Snafu Two: NANAMI JUST MELTED HER DRESS IN A PUBLIC PLACE  
  
Damn that Nanami! Jealous as Saonji and twice as clever. (which doesn't say much for either of them). There are two courses open to you: a) abandon your dress and commence to beating the living shit out Nanami; or b) abandon your dress, wrap Anthy in the nearest available piece of cloth (I've learned that Table Cloth Togas work great) and dance with her. This will melt the hearts of everyone faster than champagne melts certain fabrics and rub Nanami's failure to humiliate Anthy properly in her face. I would recommend the latter, although the former is strangely tempting. You could also just pretend you don't know Anthy and point and laugh with everyone else, but this book is not an instruction guide on how to be cruel.  
  
Snafu Three: SAONJI IS SLAPPING HER AROUND AGAIN  
  
You'll find that a lot of situations begin with Saonji. Really the only thing to do is challenge him to a duel and hope you win. You could always beat the shit out of him, but the situation would probably reverse because chances are he's bigger and/or stronger than you. That's really all I can say on the subject unless you're, well, Touga Kiryuu, which you probably aren't.  
  
Snafu Four: ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ARE SLAPPING HER AROUND, AS USUAL  
  
This poor child is always being slapped around by someone. The truth is, these others girls could very probably be jealous because of how much Saonji likes her, or because of how much Miki likes her, or because of how much attention Akio pays her. Or they may just like the fact that there's someone weaker than them that they can push around. but whatever they case, all I can recommend is that you give them all a good pounding and tell them not to mess with your bitch.  
  
Snafu Five: MIKI IS VERY VERY ATTRACTED TO HER  
  
That obsessive little piano midget is stalking your girl? It's all okay, usually you can deter him by winning a duel. There's one problem-he's one hell of a fencer. In that case, really the only thing you can do is cheat. The noblest of duelists should not read on in this section. Everyone else just needs to get Anthy to distract him at the last moment before he strikes you. It's fairly easy because one of the perks of having Anthy as the Rose Bride is that she'll do anything for you. Anything, and I mean anything. Don't think I'm exaggerating, either.  
  
Snafu Six: YOU JUST FOUND OUT SHE KILLED HER BROTHER AND SHE'S DISAPPEARED  
  
The best thing to do in this situation is understand the truth: she didn't actually kill him, but he's definitely dead because of her. Then, all you have to do is find her. Check the Rose Garden, the Memorial Hall, and the piano room, among other places, because this school has an extraordinary number of places to hide. And always remember that it could have been worse- she could have killed you. When you find her, get out of town before you are beaten and lynched by an angry mob. An extremely convenient way of doing this is turning into a car and hoping to Dios that she stole her brother's key.  
  
Snafu Seven: SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SOCIAL LIFE AND DOESN'T WANT ONE  
  
Even she needs some social experience. You and Chu-Chu may be the only friends she thinks she need, but she's very much mistaken in that area. Thankfully, there are many ways to encourage your anti-social roommate to try and make friends. First, be social yourself. She's extremely obedient and will probably be around you as much as humanly possible anyway, so she may learn from your example. Just seeing you hang out with friends could inspire her need to please you soon she'll hang out with your friends. But it's usually not that easy. If you to are invited to a ball, encourage her to go and be sociable. Just make sure she doesn't wear any dress she receives anonymously in the mail. Insist as much as possible that you are not really engaged to her so she is perfectly free to have healthy relationships with people other than you and Chi-Chu. Just don't expect her to believe you.  
  
Snafu Eight: SHE CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS FOR HERSELF  
  
This is a common problem faced when one is around Anthy. She is more than happy to do anything you want but make up her own mind. My only suggestion is to start small. Don't expect her to change her life in a week. Pick little things, like what to make for dinner and what she thinks of an art project she did. It may be a very long, very exasperating process, and you may feel like you would have an easier time breaking down a brick wall with a toothpick, but the first time she musters up the ability to tell you no it will be well worth it.  
  
Snafu Nine: THIS WHOLE ROSE BRIDE THING REALLY CREEPS YOU OUT Yeah, it creeps me out too a bit. This will take quite some time to get used to, but don't give up! assure her at every possible opportunity that this whole Rose Bride dueling shit is the most ridiculous crap you've ever encountered. This may hurt her feelings a bit, so assure her that you really like her for who she is and not because of some mysterious bullshit revolution. Remember: when logic and reason fail, brute force and/or ignorance are always excellent options.  
  
Snafu Ten: SHE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY AN EMBITTERED SAONJI  
  
It's amazing how much trouble that one guy can cause all by himself. There's really only one option, and if you don't know what it is, you should throw away your Rose Seal, leave town, and change your name. GO GET HER!! There's really two places they could go: a) Saonji's room *gulp* or b) the dueling arena platform thingy. Go get her back, and watch your back because he may try to kill you and/or the painfully chivalrous Touga.  
  
As you can see, my friend, she's an ever-exasperating work-in-progress. But if you can be patient and caring, a rewarding, if probably short, experience awaits you. Your brief engagement to the Rose Bride will be.interesting.nice, I suppose.if a little freaky.(not to discourage you or anything.)  
  
Good luck! (You're going to need it!) 


End file.
